 from: Joanne to: Nova date: Tue, Dec 1, 2015 at 2:38 PM subject: 16 months! Happy 16 month birthday, Nova! I've been thinking about this letter for a few days now, because it occurs to me that I should tell you what's been *really* going on with me these past couple of months. The letter I wrote to you last month (after 3 months of no letter-writing) was fine and all, updating you on your latest tricks and antics and what we did for Halloween etc, but it didn't really cut to the truth, which is that I've been having a hard time being a mama to you lately. I finally admitted to myself that this was happening, and that the reason I haven't been writing to you was because I haven't known how or what to say. Being a mama to a toddler (which you quickly became after you turned one) is very different from being a mama to a baby, and I honestly wasn't expecting or anticipating the new challenges I would face as you grew into an independent and powerful little human. In fact, I was relieved to have gotten through that first year and was looking forward to some healthy separation as you began to explore the world on your own. Let me first say that I really really want you to grow into your power, and it's fascinating to see you acquiring new skills and speech and strong will at this early age, but it creates a whole new dynamic between us that I have been trying to navigate and understand and, well, cope with. I say "cope" because I am still (sometimes, often) reeling from the fact that I am doing this without your dada George, and (sometimes) I fall into a well of self-pity and fear and doubt and confusion that makes everything more challenging than it already is. I have begun to realize this past month how much fear and resistance I have had to being a single parent, emotions which up until now I have brushed under the rug and tried to keep hidden behind my sadness that George is no longer with us, or tried to assuage by telling myself I will find a new partner (for me) and father (for you) who will help us get through these next many years. I am no longer thinking this way, and I am no longer avoiding these emotions. I have decided instead to uncover and greet them and invite them into my consciousness so that I can work through them, and acknowledge that while I may be afraid of doing this on my own, I must full-heartedly accept this as my path, and as the only path I was meant to be on in this lifetime. I was brought here to meet you. I was brought here to raise you as my child, and to learn from you as my teacher. We are doing this together, just as George and I were doing it together, just as the three of us will always be doing this together. Still, the day to day can be challenging, and lonely, and tiring. Some days I don't know how I'm going to do anything right by you. You are a toddler, doing the things you are supposed to be doing -- exploring, testing, experimenting, expressing, emoting, asserting, debating, declaring -- but this is all new to me. Suddenly (or so it seems), you went from a happy, energetic, easy baby who did whatever I needed you to do, to an assertive, strong-willed, independent child who wants (and needs) to exercise her free will. You are a GREAT kid, Nova, seriously an amazing human being -- but even the most amazing human at 1.3 years old is a handful. On top of that we have fundamentally different natures and energetic qualities -- you an extrovert, me an introvert; you bold and curious, me shy and reserved. Sometimes our energetic needs are so different that we cannot help but make each other crazy. But guess what? I am up for the challenge. I am going to figure this out with you. I love you more than anything in this world, and being your mom is the hardest and most rewarding journey that I will ever embark upon. You are going to change me in beautiful and profound ways. If fact, you already have. And I will do the best I can to raise you with love, mindfulness, compassion, curiosity, patience, kindness, and respect. This is my promise to you. I love you, Nova. I am excited for our life together, knowing it will be full of interesting challenges and difficulties and growth and celebration. This relationship is the most important relationship of my life, and I will constantly strive to be better for you. Thank you for being here with me. Love, Mama (p.s. I will read this to you!) |
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