 Lately, I’ve been feeling homesick. Homesick for my coastline state. Homesick for my people. For the feeling of connection to something greater, and the feeling of connection to my Self. I always saw leaving California as a running towards instead of a running away, but it was not without some form of abandonment. I did, in fact, flee. I fled rather quickly. I also stopped writing. I stopped talking to George in the same way. The change of environment spawned a new kind of mission: explore, expand, learn, go forth. But to grow, you must also nourish your roots. That which feeds you on a soul level cannot be pushed aside. For the past 12 months I’ve been doing a lot, making big changes, learning new things, striving to become. I have rarely stopped to reflect, to sit in quiet stillness and ask myself: is this who I want to be? It is common in our society to get lost in the bustle of day-to-day life. We work hard, we seek pleasure, we wear stress like a badge of honor, of accomplishment. We rush through our days as though something is chasing us; we’ve joined the race and we have something to prove. Shortly after George passed away I began challenging myself to “figure out what happens next”. It was agonizing at times to watch the world in motion while I stood still, imprisoned by shock and despair and motherhood and loss. They’re all moving on without me, I thought. When will I catch up? In hindsight, that period of my life generated more growth than any other, before or after. Moving inward, asking the questions, feeling the pain, the gratitude, the fullness of being human. Strengthening my connection to self and to spirit, surrendering free will, doing by not doing. Expansion from within. I am homesick for that stillness. Being in school again -- studying, planning, organizing, executing -- requires me to operate primarily from the head (ironic, for a medicine that stems from the heart), and it isn’t easy to slow down. But I recently heard from George, and it stirred my soul: He is happy. He is teaching others. Continuing his work from beyond. He called it Home. This post is my attempt to reconnect -- to all of you, and also to my Self. The one who knows how to sit in quiet discomfort, to not know the answers; to see time not as a physical boundary, but as a limitless expanse, confined only by my relationship to it. Here, a marriage is formed, between the vocal demands of daily life and the roots of the soul, beckoning me for nourishment. I respond by slowing down, finding eternity hidden in the tiniest magical moments, trusting the process, following the call. Today I choose find my way Home, too. |
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