Five Years

I woke this morning to Nova, climbing into my arms to snuggle, as she does most mornings.  Tony stirred soon after, and we lay there, the three of us together, resting contentedly with our arms intertwined. 

“Are you awake?” I asked Nova.
“Yes, I’m awake,” she replied, her crisp yet delicate five-year old voice slicing through the morning air.  I kissed her head, squeezed her a little tighter.

One at a time, we rose from the bed.  Tony headed downstairs to make breakfast and coffee, as he does most mornings.  Nova picked out a dress her daddy might like.  

“He liked red, didn’t he mama?” 
“Oh yes, he loved all the colors.”

I helped her put the locket around her neck.  Yesterday we’d found a tiny picture of George’s face for the inside, per her request.  She had plans to put it around Buddha’s neck today. Buddha had become our altar for George.

This is five years.  A place I never could have imagined the day I kissed George’s body goodbye, tears raining over him, Nova in my belly, a future forever changed.  That day feels a lifetime ago, and yet so palpable I can almost feel his hand in mine as I slipped off the wedding ring. I can almost hear our footsteps as we walked away.

Most years felt like survival, though I tried so hard to illuminate the good, to expand and to thrive despite my incessant broken heart.  I did not know which way to go, but I kept myself moving -- first this direction, then that -- through various projects, homes, and friendships.  I reached out to the world, in full expression, vulnerably, patiently, waiting for something to stick.

And then came love.  I was adamant that joy and peace need not be inextricably tied to finding new love; I wanted to prove something greater, that my love for George was all that I needed.  But the physicality of love is real, the need for human touch, for eyes to hold you, conversations to heal you. People need people. And so, despite my fear of letting go, I said yes.  This was the three year mark.

Today I am two years into a relationship that holds and supports me with love, patience and compassion.  He honors me, and he honors George. He loves Nova fiercely. He accepts without question the deep, forever connection we have to the man who lives in our hearts.  

“Say hi to George for me,” he said as he kissed me goodbye this morning, leaving me to write at the kitchen table.  His capacity to hold us all in benevolent light is some kind of transcendence.  

Soon, another chapter unfolds.  In 5 weeks I will accept my diploma with a Masters of Science in Traditional Chinese Medicine.  A journey that began long ago, connecting this life to the last, a completion of work that consecrates my soul’s purpose, one that would not let go despite my wavering.  This I dedicate to George.

Here’s to five years, a life that forges onward on with fierce love and honor and dedication.  Weaving past and present, stepping into the light, waking up in love with arms intertwined.