 I had an epiphany late one night, shortly after George died, when I realized that we had done this before. This long distance thing, this missing each other thing, this being apart. Six months after we started dating, I quit my job and left San Francisco to travel the world alone, return date unknown. And while we acknowledged that it might be impossible to continue our relationship during this time, we wanted to try. George would reference the lyrics to Joshua Radin's song Everything'll be Alright -- "There's a hole in my pocket that's about your size, and I think everything is gonna be alright."
"I'll be peeking from your pocket," he would say cheerfully. I remember how real it felt to have him with me on my travel adventures, how it was he who would cheer me on as I hiked to the top of a mountain, or hold my hand on the way down so I wouldn’t fall. I was away for nine months, and our relationship only grew stronger during that time. Could we really do this now, like we did back then? Was this just another phase of our relationship, our connection unbroken, where we would continue to share and grow and learn from each other, even from a distance? George had always trusted things would work out between us, even at the beginning, even as I anticipated my travels and told him that I needed to be free… what kind of trust did I need now, to know we would still make this work, still do this together? Now he is free. I am free, too. And yet, we are connected in a way that is untouchable. Perhaps there is no greater gift than this. Below is an email exchange from fall 2010, when I was in Cinque Terre, Italy, at the beginning of my travels. The parallels between then and now are striking. I also love that he uses the word "celebrated" to describe the names on the graves, and that he finds the connectedness of the playgrounds and cemeteries on the top of the hill "profound and breathtaking". Reading this, I don't think he was scared to die. He knew there would be another playground waiting for him, ready for him to explore. My dear sweet George, you are celebrated. ******************* From: George Schnakenberg Date: Wed, Oct 6, 2010 at 5:54 PM To: Joanne Chang Hi Beautiful! It was wonderful to chat with you today! I know the last couple days have been hard. I miss you so much. It is such a strange feeling to wake up missing you and know that I will be missing you for a long time. I am excited that you exist though and I know that we are very very lucky to have this connection in the first place. So I accept and take it on with vigor. It's beautiful that we can share what we have together and take the time to learn about ourselves. I think that is rare and I embrace it. I remember being lonely in Cinque Terre too. It is so beautiful that you want to share it. I remember that feeling and I'm there with you when you are lonely, or when you are happy, or taking in an amazing view. I ate at the restaurant in Manarola right by the wall near the edge of the water. The view is incredible. If you eat there, or wherever you eat by yourself, know that I am with you, smiling. I love the playgrounds in Manarola. Although I can't put my finger on it exactly, there is something so profound and breathtaking about both the playgrounds and cemeteries feeling like they are up there at the top of the world. Not to mention, there is something really grounding when the names celebrated on the graves above, are the same as the names on the doors in the town below. I love you, Joanne. Rawr! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo! George ************** From: Joanne Chang Date: Fri, Oct 8, 2010 at 10:42 AM To: George Schnakenberg Hi honey, I ate at the restaurant in Manarola by the water, Marina Piccola, and thought of you there. I've been thinking about you everywhere, it's really nice to have you here with me :) I also thought of you last night at this really wonderful little restaurant in Corniglia called Mananan. I snagged the last table, the place was fully booked up but I got lucky. I wrote something in my journal when I got home and decided I want to share it with you. I've actually never done this before...it feels crazy and fuzzy to be able to write something so candidly and to be able to share it with someone. Here it is, completely unedited. I love you. xoxoxo. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10-7-10, Cinque Terre (day 3) ...Night time o'clock. I just had a fabulous evening at the wine bar in Corniglia, followed by a lucky strike at Mananan, and it was so much fun and I had the biggest smile on my face all night. Then I came back and missed George and started crying, tears flowing like faucets. At the restaurant I felt him with me, I really did, it was a little surreal, I could imagine him sitting across from me; I could see him there, I smiled at him and imagined holding his hand, the two of us so happy to be there, enthralled by the liveliness of the owner. Enraptured with the energy of the place. I teared up, the feeling of him there was almost so real I was sad knowing that it actually wasn't...that I was sitting across from an empty seat, no place mat, alone. No George. When I came home I started going through pictures on the camera and there's this one of him by the crepe stand outside the Gare du Nord; he has this beautiful gaze, not smiling but just being, and I could almost touch him, looking at that picture. I could feel his face, run my fingers through his hair. He is so close to me. I'm crying now, I'm not sure if it's out of sadness or the amazement of what I'm able to feel and experience with this person from thousands of miles away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************** From: George Schnakenberg Date: Fri, Oct 8, 2010 at 11:51 AM To: Joanne Chang Joanne, Wow. Thank you. Thank you. That is so incredible. It captures the moments we had, the moment I had in Cinque terre, and the feelings I have for you so well too. It's insane...I'm thinking about when I looked directly into the lens of your camera outside Gare Du Nord, so so happy to just BE there with you, and also literally looking into the lens so you could connect with me later....no joke. It worked. I'm speechless. I'm tearing up at work....feeling your hand here with mine. xoxoxoxo George ************** |
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