The Vulnerability ​Movement
  • My Blog
  • About Me
  • Gallery
  • George
  • Blog

My Blog

Please join me on a journey from grief to surrender, from fear to empowerment, from uncertainty to.... uncertainty. 
"When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life."  ​
~Eckhart Tolle

He was my knight in shining armor.

10/26/2021

Comments

 
Picture
He was my knight in shining armor.  

When I saw him standing there, holding his bicycle, among a sea of other strangers just beyond the grassy knoll, I knew.  He was the man I was waiting for.  He was the man who was going to save me.

I never would have admitted that I needed (or wanted) saving.  I was 3 years widowed, and I was just fine.  I had lost a husband, raised a toddler on my own through infancy, purchased my first home, and moved from California to Colorado to start again.  I was doing well, making a life for us, and playing strong, on the outside.  

On the inside, I was lonely.  I wanted companionship.  I wanted to feel like a woman again.  To be kissed, admired, held, loved.  I wanted to not be alone.  I wanted the dream of a family that hadn’t been fulfilled, and I wanted to feel that I deserved it.  I wanted a different life.

Tony dipped his toe into our lives and before we knew it he was swimming like a champ.  His 10 a.m. mornings became 7 a.m.  He learned the ins and outs of preschool drop off and pick up, and planned his work days around caring for Nova so that I could finish my acupuncture degree.  He traded golf dates for playdates and football Sundays for household chores.  He re-homed his dog and moved into our small townhome, leaving most of his possessions behind.  He gave up his space, his privacy, his autonomy, his freedom.  

He gained a family.

Some of the hardest times in our relationship centered around him taking that next step and moving in with us.  I could feel his resistance and instead of backing off, I got louder.  I made my needs clear, and I failed to acknowledge his.  This was adulting, I thought.  If he wanted me and Nova, he would have to make some changes.  I never considered how afraid he must have been.  I never considered that he wasn’t ready.  

Over the course of four years, I pulled him deeper into a relationship that he was neither ready or equipped for.  He surrendered to me and played the part as well as he knew how.  He never complained or expressed a desire to leave.  I laid out my expectations and he followed them.  

With a few exceptions.

When those exceptions came to light, when I was finally ready to admit that something wasn’t right and ready to hear his truth, he stammered.  He denied.  He deflected.  He wanted to keep pretending.  

I was furious at his pretending.  I was furious that he wouldn’t tell me the truth.  I made it mean something about his character.  I told him he didn’t love me enough to be honest.  I told him his fear was greater than his love.  I made him wrong.  I made him leave.  

But all those years, he had done what I asked.  He had given me companionship, played father figure to Nova, championed me through the next phase of my career, and fulfilled my dream of family.  If I had known he wasn’t ready, would I have wanted to hear it?  Would I have accepted the truth?  Would I have asked him to pretend?

What would these past four years have been like without Tony?  How would I have survived?

Perhaps there was an unspoken rule.  I needed him to pretend, so he did.  I wanted the fairytale dream, so he created one for me.  If there was deception or dishonesty, perhaps it was because I didn’t make space for the truth.  It didn’t fit into my mythology.  

He was my knight in shining armor.  I wanted him to save me, and he did.  When I decided that his way of doing it wasn’t good enough, I let him go.  Sometimes we don’t get to choose how we are saved.  Sometimes the things we don’t know allow us to get to where we are.  

Comments


    ​Author

    Joanne Chang is a writer, mother, widow and movement-maker.  She lives in Denver, CO.

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    December 2022
    July 2022
    October 2021
    July 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    July 2020
    July 2019
    September 2018
    July 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015

    Categories

    All
    Acceptance
    Alcohol
    Aloneness
    Anger
    Anniversaries
    Cause Of Death
    Confusion
    Connection
    Dreams
    Fear
    Gratitude
    Grief
    Guilt
    Letting Go
    Love
    Nova
    Parenthood
    Racism
    Resistance
    Self Transformation
    Surrender
    Transcendence
    Vulnerability
    Writing

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • My Blog
  • About Me
  • Gallery
  • George
  • Blog