Separation anxiety isn't just for kids.

Since day one of being a mom, I have coveted my moments alone.  It's not that I don't love my child and it's not that I don't enjoy spending time with her, but as a single parent (who wasn't planning to be one) and an introvert who needs quiet time to recharge, I have never shied away from taking time apart. 

Imagine my surprise, then, when I dropped Nova off for her first day of preschool this morning, and didn't want to leave.  I have been with her full time for the last four months in a town where we know no one and have no friends (except family) and I've really been looking forward to getting back to my writing and creating some space in our relationship.  And yet if her teacher had invited me to join them this morning for circle time and snack time and outside play time, I would have said, with nervous relief, "Sure!"

She's been to school before, but that was different for so many reasons.  There she was Baby Nova, having joined them when she was 5 months old, as a favor from neighbor to neighbor.  The kids watched her grow, and treated her like a sibling.  The school was held in a home residence, with the most loving and compassionate teachers you could wish for.

Now she is preschool aged, and she is a kid like all the other kids.  Not the baby, not the special one, not the protected one.  She is expected to work and listen and use the potty like everyone else.  She is expected to communicate her needs and be kind to others and respect her teachers.  But she is still the little one, barely two years old, still in diapers and still in a crib.  I think it's great that she's in a mixed ages classroom, but then I begin to worry -- What if the big kids pick on her?  What if someone is mean to her?  What if she poops in her diaper and they run away holding their noses?  

And this is where it starts -- real separation.  Letting your children go out into the world and be their independent selves, letting things happen to them like sticks and stones and name-calling, letting them experience life without your shield to protect them.  This is where they begin to learn who they are, in response to the actions and influences of others that may be different from what they see and feel at home.  This is where they begin to take a different shape, one that is formed by all of their experiences, not just the ones you have curated for them.  Who knew the first day of preschool could be so profound, and scary?  

So we said our goodbyes, and she headed off to explore her new classroom.  I drove away, whispering another goodbye to my baby.  The first of many.