 Shortly after George died, I came to the following conclusions:
My life no longer belongs to me. It is all about Nova now. I surrender. At the time, and thereon after, I found solace in this. I let go of any illusion of control and surrendered to a higher power. I accepted that which I could not change. I called resistance futile and carried forth, day by day, waiting for the universe to show me the way. It felt noble. It felt humble. It felt wise. And, perhaps, in those first days turning into years, I needed to surrender my life. The dream I’d been creating around my true love and inspired career choices and precious family unit had vanished. George had been taken away, and with him my innocence, my ability to dream, my felt freedom. My survival depended on a change of thinking. Continuing to believe I was entitled to my dreams would have felt defeating at best and crushing at worst. I didn’t know how to create a future for myself out of the ruins, and I didn’t feel I deserved to. I’d had it all, and I’d lost it. Surely there was a hidden message in all of this. You lost it because you didn’t deserve it. |
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