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Please join me on a journey from grief to surrender, from fear to empowerment, from uncertainty to.... uncertainty. 
"When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life."  ​
~Eckhart Tolle

Letter to Nova, 11 months

6/27/2015

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Picture
I created an email account for Nova shortly after she was born (upon the advice of my 13 year old nephew), so that I could write to her, and so other people could write to her.  In the end she will have a history of letters, pictures, and memories that she can hold onto forever.  Thanks for the idea, Lukey Luke.

*********************
From: Joanne Chang 
Date: Sat, Jun 27, 2015 at 12:05 PM
Subject: (almost) 11 months!

My Dear Sweet Nova,
You are quickly becoming a toddler.  You are no longer a baby, really.  You are active and almost walking, able to stand up now on your own (without using a prop), and boy are you funny!  Your favorite expression is "ooooooohhhh!", and you put your lips together like Lao Ye does when he whistles.  In fact, I think you picked this up from him in Denver, when he whistled you tried to imitate him.  You say "ooooooohhhh!" to anything that is interesting to you, or to show someone the things you like, or when something surprises you.  It's quite charming.  You still love to laugh and be silly, and love to make everyone around you laugh.  You are a little entertainer, my little Leo.  You have also decided that it's more fun to crawl through tight spaces, rather than around them.  The other day you crawled under and between the chair legs in the dining room, just for fun.  When I sit cross-legged with one knee up, you crawl over me and under my raised knee.  You like to conquer obstacle courses.  You are bold and adventurous and curious!  All very good things.  All things that remind me of your daddy George.
​
It is almost July now, and you will be 1 year old next month.  It's hard to believe how much time has passed since you were born, and since George passed away.  It's gone by so quickly, yet here you are, already on the move and becoming a fully functional little human.  I cannot imagine what my life would be like without you, and in fact my life before you often feels like lifetimes ago, and yet it's still hard to anticipate these anniversaries approaching, marking the last time your daddy was with us on Earth, and the day you came out to join me.  He would be so proud of you, baby.  He IS so proud of you.  He made a lot of cool stuff in his lifetime, but you are by far his most amazing creation.  To think, a little seed came out of his body and into mine, and made you.  It's mind-blowing and I'm forever grateful for this miracle.  But I miss him, and sometimes it feels more and more every day.  It is good, this missing, he is worth missing.  But sometimes I can't help but look forward to the day when I start, well, looking forward.  The past is such a large part of me now, and you in the present, both so powerful and raw.  But there is another life out there for us, when I, we, are ready to embrace it.  I am working hard to fully accept that the life I thought we would have, will no longer be, without George.  I know this is possible, and I am finding my way there.  You are my anchor.  You tether me to the ground, helping me to appreciate every day that the sun rises and you are here, your wondrous "oooooohhh!"s and strong-willed determination, your ability to bounce back from falls and bonks so easily and quickly, knowing they are all part of life, and trying, trying again.  You are one incredible human being, Miss Nova.

I am going to miss your baby fat.  Already your cheeks are not as chubby as they used to be.  And you are growing longer.  You are in the 80-85th percentile in height, weight, and head circumference.  A solid child!  You definitely have George's legs.  Solid, sturdy, strong legs.  Good for biking and climbing, which I'm sure you will enjoy.  Soon mama will get up the courage to get back on one of her bikes, that daddy built.  He built those bikes for me when we lived in San Francisco, and before that I didn't bike at all.  I haven't biked since I was 6 months pregnant with you, over a year ago, and I know you would love to tour around town on the back of Mama's bike, so I will work on that.  

Big mama hugs and kisses, 
mama <3
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    Joanne Chang is a writer, mother, widow and movement-maker.  She lives in Denver, CO.

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