The million dollar answer:

​I am hitting a wall of doubt, uncertainty, fear.  My head is full of questions, my energy feels stifled, and I’m experiencing the kind of mind-spinning overwhelm that makes me want to disappear.  I am feeling grateful too, to have this summer to reflect and work things out and be with my family, but it’s marred by my constantly questioning mind, scouring itself for answers, wanting to know where my life is headed.

Here's the short list:

• How am I going to finish my book?
• What exactly is this vulnerability movement, and what is my vehicle for inspiring change?
• Is coaching the right avenue for me?  
• What is the truth behind my attachment to alcohol?  
• Will I ever fall in love again?  Do I want to?
• What are these deep insecurities that have plagued me since childhood all about?
• How do I find the courage to practice vulnerability in my day-to-day, not at a computer, not in writing, but with real people in real life even when I am afraid of being judged and misunderstood?

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I look at this list, and I don’t know how to tackle it.  My mind is in overdrive, skipping from one topic to another, trying to make sense of my inner workings, waiting for that Eureka! moment when everything (or, at least, something) starts to click.  

But the spin continues, and I do what I can to stay in the center of it, breathing and observing and leaning into uncertainty.  Reminding myself that the answer itself is not the point; how I get there and my open-hearted exploration of this human experience is where the richness and the real answers lie.

And, I realize, I am grateful to have questions.  I am glad to not know all the answers.  What kind of life would that be, to stand in complete certainty about life and its mysteries, to know exactly where the road leads, never seeking and never scared, never challenged or stretched?

I choose to ask these questions.  Even if they haunt me, even if they scare me.  The road ahead seems to jog and branch and disappear into darkness, but I invite myself to stand tall with the discomfort of not knowing, to walk into fear with love and compassion, to continue seeking with curiosity, and to let go of urgency.  When we are uncomfortable, when we are scared, when our expectations are shattered and we choose to keep moving, this is the hard part.  It is also the place from which we can thrive.  

I believe I can create something great.  And in this moment, that is the only answer I need.