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I was watching Nova play with a balloon this morning, throwing and batting and catching it while she laughed with delight, that pure expression of joy that children give out so effortlessly. And in that moment, I saw my premonition come to life. Wow. This is it. My premonition was the moment I decided I wanted to have a child with George, in early 2012. We were sleeping in one morning, and I awoke first. I watched him sleep. He was so beautiful, so peaceful, and my heart was struck by how much I loved him. If anything ever happened to him, I would want his child, a piece of him, to be left with me.  I imagined George gone, and a vision of me and his child, just the two of us, formed in my mind. It didn’t feel sad, and it didn’t feel scary. It just felt right. I was surprised by this clarity of thought and emotion (being a single parent has never been on my list of possible or even acceptable outcomes) but it was so unwavering that I knew in that moment I needed to have children with him. We began making plans for our family.
Of course I never expected anything to actually happen to George. But it did. The first time I heard the words “George died,” my mind went straight to that morning, to that vision. The first feeling was wonderment. The second was rage. And then, relief. It has been a treacherous road to get here today. Accepting what is and that which you are powerless to change is a brutal, but necessary, path to peace and joy. Each day continues to be an uphill climb, and some moments are downright suffocating, but I know that the life I want to live is ready and waiting for me. It has always been waiting for me. And when I saw Nova giggling with her balloon today, I felt this incredible certainty -- the same certainty I felt when I saw George sleeping that morning. The life I am meant to live today, is this one. This, right here, is perfection. George’s daughter and me. It was simply meant to be. And the grace that comes with that knowledge is so worth the climb. |
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