Turning Two

Me and Nova, today. July 22, 2016.

And just like that, it’s been two years.

Sometimes it feels like the snap of my fingers, and other times it feels like I’ve been climbing this mountain for a hell of a long time.  But this is Life.  Life in its purest form.  Pain and heartbreak and love and beauty, collapsed into a single moment in time.  At once taking me hostage while liberating me from a life void of meaning; capturing me in all of its intensity while freeing me from ease and boredom.  My life is rich with experience and emotion.  The past two years have been nothing short of spectacular.

My husband died.  I gave birth to our daughter.  I started writing a memoir, I started a blog.  I started school twice and dropped out twice.  I moved out of the home that held my dreams.  I began earnestly addressing my issues with alcohol.  I had two birthdays.  I embraced single parenthood and created a bond with my daughter.  I forged new friendships and let go of old ones.  I decided to stick to my dream of helping and healing.  I grieved for George.  I learned to let go.  I learned to accept.  

Growth begets growth.  Once you start on the path of true investigation, whether voluntarily or otherwise, Life has you.  In reviewing the two years since George’s passing, I can see how far I’ve travelled, and also how much more I want to accomplish.  Not in terms of success, career or money, but in terms of the kind of person I wish to be in the world.  

For the first time in my life, I am on my own.  I am not living by anyone else’s expectations or demands (children excluded!), I am not leaning on a partner or hiding behind a career, I am not putting my sights on external forces to make my life complete.  I am out in the great wide open, vulnerable and free, calling the shots.  To top it off, I have a kid who looks to me to define what the world means, what life means.  It’s exhilarating and frightening.  Life, again.

And today, July 22, does not have to be a day defined by heartache and anxiety, by loss.  July 22 is also a day that marks my forward movement into the next chapter of this life, towards the next version of myself.  It is a day that I get to wake up and be with my daughter, celebrate her father’s life, talk about his death, and give thanks for all he gave to us.  It is the day that George transitioned into spirit, the day that he was set free.  

Today I feel George’s presence, holding us in love and light, softening the longing and suffering we hold from losing him.  In the end, we were all made better from his life and his death.  Even though it’s hard, even though it hurts.  He is, was and continues to be, our great Teacher.

In celebration of his life, I would love to hear how those who knew and loved George are remembering him on this day, how they are experiencing him, and how he has impacted their life in the last two years.  Please leave a comment below (if you click "Post to Facebook", it will also post there), or feel free to message me at joanne@joanne-chang.com.  Peace and love to you all.